Jani represents a couple of special things to me. First our relationship is entirely in Kinyarwanda, which if anyone has ever tried to make friends in a language they are just learning know that it’s really difficult. There are so many things she says to me that I just do not understand. She tries to explain it, puts it in simple words, and gives me examples. Sometimes I get it, but other times I just nod in agreement and try to change the topic. Because we only speak Kinyarwanda, most of our friendship is based upon non-verbal communication. We genuinely smile at one another when we see each other. We laugh together at some of the crazy people that walk by. I often bring her a sample of the baked goods I make. Sometimes we just sit together and I put some music on for us to listen to. There is so much that passes between us that goes beyond the language.
The second part of our friendship that is important to me is that we are both young single girls. My friend Theogene described us as both being, “mwitonde” which from what I gather means careful and kind. I’m not sure there is a real good English translation. In a culture where women are suppose to get married as soon as its legal, 21 years old, finding a girl my age that’s single and has time to hang out has been really challenging. Almost all of the women who work at my school are married with children, and as fantastic as they are, they are also really busy. The nice part about Jani’s job, is I can easily spend time with her while she’s working. We are both young professional women, who just enjoy each other’s company.
In the last 13 months of being a Peace Corps Volunteer I have learned a lot about myself. One important thing I’ve learned is I am an extrovert. I need time alone to do work, to process emotions, and to relax but I really get my energy and strength from other people. There are some days when I will sit with Jani just to delay going home. I just would rather be with her, talking to people, making people laugh, listening to music, greeting people as they walk by on the street, than be in my big house alone. I would say it’s my happy place. For example, on Tuesday I stopped there to say hello. At first I was feeling frustrated and tired. I thought, ‘I’ll just go home,’ but then I decided to wait it out. I talked to Jani and some other people for a few more minutes. We joked about Jani coming to America, and her new hairstyle. There was lots of laughter; so then by the time I left I was feeling happy again.
One of the more popular conversations I have at the Tigo stand is about my status of being single. Jani insists I’m hiding a boyfriend, and that I’m lying when I say I’m single. (if only girlfriend!) Jani herself informed me that she is getting married next year, but it is a secret as to whom she is getting married to. I like to tease her about it, trying to guess who she is engaged to. I think it’s pretty typical in Rwandan culture to keep the engagement secret until close to the wedding date. But naturally I invited myself to her wedding to whomever it is to.
Then our conversation turns back to me, and I quickly explain that I’m going to wait five years until I get married. This has become my go-to excuse in Rwanda because no one wants to wait that long to get married. The problem is that by then in Rwandan culture I’ll be an old woman and no one will want to marry me. I usually counter this with we have longer life expectancies in America, so it’s no problem for me. But that really dodges an important issue. If women here have to get married before they are twenty-five it makes it difficult for them to really have a career themselves. Traditionally men waited until they were older so they could build a house and pay the bride price, but in the 21st century it means men are allowed to wait so they can go to university and do everything before they have a family. Therefore because it is unacceptable for a woman to wait to get married until after she has a career, she has to get married before. Then when she goes to University and establishes her career it is even more difficult because she has a family to take care of. So one of my battles while I am here is to be a model of how young woman can be single, successful, and happy.
For most women like Jani, I can only do so much. Jani isn’t a foreigner who can easily escape cultural rules of the community she lives in. But for my students there is more potential. This last week I did an oral exam with my S5 students (11th grade). One of the questions on their exam was what do you want to do when you finish secondary school? Out of all 24 young women who took the exam, they all had some professional idea. They wanted to be managers, traders, shopkeepers, policewomen, and radio journalists. These girls are changing the culture. They are not dreaming of being a subsistence farmer or a mother of many children like their parents, but instead contributing to their country and having a real income. One student said, “I will prepare an alimentation (shop) at Nkondo center, after that I will see money, and go to continue to study University. After to study at University I can see a job, and after I will see a husband.” These young women they are changing their culture so future girls will have more freedom. I can only applaud them.
Jani and I are both considered girls still in Rwandan culture because we are unmarried. This doesn’t really bother me because the word for girl is the same as the word for daughter. The community looks at us as their daughters and takes care of us. But as daughters we also have a responsibility to help our younger sisters. This Sunday, October 11th is International Day of the Girl Child. I asked my students why they supported girl’s empowerment and what their vision for girls by 2030 is. One male student said, “Because she is our future.” Another said, “My vision for girls by 2030 is for her to be President.” The female students said, “I support girls empowerment because she is our good life,” and “I support girls empowerment because of the development of our country and soon!” Jani and I will continue to watch our younger sisters grow and change. They will continue to make us laugh, and fill us with amazement.
[*] Side note: the mobile phone technology here is incredible, way more diverse than in America. You can pay for electricity, cable, taxes, and easily send money all on your phone!